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Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Get your skin in the game - A fathers tips on raising children



Our family and extended family is made up of all the colors of mankind. I do not believe there is a shade that is missing. When we come together as family there is nothing but love and friendship. We promote love but we do not encourage color blindness.

So when my two came up to me and told me they wanted to be "white" I hurt for them. I did not know what to say. Of course I went on to tell them that they were beautiful and they where the perfect color because they were who they where suppose to be. But that did not sit well with me...I can tell them all those things and they can hear it and turn away pushing down their feelings and go run and play. But how can I help them Love themselves and all those great things that make them, them! How do I help them be confident in everything about them. That holds true for all my children.

I love the book " I like myself" by Karen Beaumont. I read it to all my children as often as I can and hope somehow they can feel like this little one.

Tricia and I were talking the other day about the education of race and the ability to know who you are and be confident being just that. In the adoption world that at times hard to help discover. For those that are adopted you are surrounded by those that call out family but they look different, their color is different, their eyes do not look like yours, there habits are different, they do not have allergies like you do and the family albums of grand relatives hurt because you know that these, though good people, are not blood. A loneliness settles in and the ability to discover yourself seems impossible.

As a parent I long for my children to discover themselves. Heck I long to discover who I really am...So how can I help all my children in their journey. My oldest son might think I am on him all the time because he doesn't measure up, that he is not good enough for me. While my youngest might have the same concerns but it is compiled that he is not good enough because he is black or because he is adopted. The thought of both of those pains my heart.

How is  it that I can help my children along their path of self discovery? How can I help my children when some of their answers are not available to them or me because of adoption?

I have thought on this for some time and I have come up with a few things I can do:

Listen: This means really listen. Remove distraction turn off the TV, put down your book, turn away from your computer, clear your mind and focus on what they are saying. Let them know that for that moment they are the center of your attention.  If you are in the middle of something and cannot pull away tell the child that you would love to hear what they say and ask if you can find them in a few minutes to listen. If you do that make sure you find them and make sure it is right after what is occupying you. My daughter came up to me and was sad. I asked what was wrong and she said she missed "Name of her Mom Here". Instead of pushing it aside I listen. I asked what she missed and asked her about some memories. She sat on my lap for a half an hour just talking. When it was done with a smile she jumped down told me she loved me and went on her way. It was nice just to listen.

Do not try to fix: AHHHH this is a hard one for fathers...Do not fix it. Just listen. Nod your head. Be empathetic. Ask questions after like: How do you feel? What would you do? What are your thoughts?

Do not be color blind: When raising children of a different race. Don't make their race an issue by not making it an issue. Their race is fantastic, their race is who they are. If you do not notice it or say we are color blind you are saying you don't notice a portion of them. Help them discover their race. Help them discover their differences help them discover who they are and assure them that who their are is a part of you family. No matter the differences.

Embrace the differences: Everything about anyone is unique embrace the differences. Embrace the fact that each child is different. That you are different. Do hide from it, don't try to cover it. My children know they are adopted. They know the name of their mothers. They know that I am a different color then they are. Share those have fun with those. Make them aware. If you don't a kid on the playground will and it will be a painful lesson. Kids will say why are you dark and why is your parents light. Why is your hair black, why why why. Like a hail of bullets. Don't let them be attached on the playground by unknowing children. Prepare them while they are young and let them be confident with who they are and that they are loved. You need to make sure you are ok to. People ask questions...Let them ask. Don't make it a big deal. Cause it is not a big deal. It is as big as you make it.

Talk: This is not while you are listening. This is at a different time. This is a time that you initiate. You come up to them and ask them questions. This is vital to any relationship. This is something I lack with my older children. But the times I do I realize they have a lot to share and they love the fact the you are interested in them and what they are doing. Do it one on one and do it as a family group. allow everyone to talk and get to know each other. Take time to facilitate this kind of conversations.

Love 'em: Ahhh yes love is easy to show when times are good, bills are being paid, life is aligned. The love I talk about here is in the hard times. When the vase is broken, when the grades come in when the car just got scratched. Love that appears when the house is a disaster when it was just cleaned. How do you do it????? Breathe. Always breathe. Remember this moment for you will pass. But if you blow up your child will always remember it. They are like elephants. Take the time to love and show your love. Let them climb in your lap. When you think they are to old...hug them anyway. Sit next to them on the couch, or lay in bed with them to read a book. Stop what you are doing and just tell them in random moments that you love them and are glad that they are a part of the family.

Do not correct feelings: This is another hard one for me. I hear my children and then I tell them that they should not feel that way. That they need to b sensitive to the other person or that the other person did not mean to hurt them. When the fact of the matter whether the other person meant it or not their feelings were still hurt. Hear they feelings, let them experience it. Don't stop them. If they are sad, mad, happy whatever let them experience that feeling. Help them experience it and them help them understand it.

Do not get angry: Ok I just said let them experience their feelings now I am saying don't get angry. What????!!!??? It is important for you to experience your feelings as well but keep in mind that anger is a product of an emotion. It is the release of emotion and not the emotion itself. If you feel yourself getting angry stop get away. Go to a quite place put yourself in time out and figure out what emotion is making you angry. Are you tiered, hungry, feeling taken advantage of, disrespected. What is it? Then go through it experience the emotion of disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, frustration, whatever it is get control of it and then come out and deal with the situation at hand. Most of the time you will find the thing that you where going to lose control over was not that big of a deal. 

Let them cry: Sometimes we all need a good cry. Let it happen for yourself or for your child. We should be free to break down every now and again and just cry. You and they will feel better. But don't force it a good cry happens on its own. It is like a sneeze when it comes let it go. Don't hold it in. It always feels better when its out.

Hold them: This is important for you and your children. STOP stop with everything....Just hold them, The great thing is...When you hold them they hold you back.

Don't Change them: They are who they are. You need to discover that with them. Find their strengths and their weaknesses. Help them see it to but don't try to change them. They are who they are and they are only meant to be their perfect self and nobody else. They don't want to be you and you don't want them to be. I am not saying don't teach them correct principles. I am saying help them discover the good person they are and help them be the best them they can be. Make sure you are being only you as well. Don't try to change yourself in to something else. Improve yourself yes...Change yourself...no.


Thanks for sharing my adoption journeys,
Jared
Thinking about adoption?
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Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Real Power of Choice


I sat in bed this morning enjoying the tranquility that comes when the whole family is still asleep. This is a rare blessing of serenity that I enjoy as a father of a family of eight. I laid in bed trying to motivate myself to get up-and-at'em in hopes that somehow at the the end of the day I would be conqueror rather than conquered.

As I was running through my mental list of things I needed to accomplish today sounds of creaking beds and the stomp, stomp, stomping of playful feet interrupted me (they have never been pitter-pattery????). In this moment I was again thankful for those mothers that placed the lives of their children over their own. I thought of their personal choice. A choice I am sure was not easy. A choice I am sure brought and continues to bring deep ache. A choice that was unselfish. A choice of love.

 In a day that is filled with selfishness and self promotion it is easy to call out "THIS IS MY LIFE! AND THE CHOICES I MAKE ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE!" I agree I have the right of choice. I am an agent unto myself . I can chose happiness or I can chose sorrow. I am the creator of my own destiny and with that I need no permission or to excuse myself in the least. But our choices or not ours alone. Yes we are free to make them for ourselves and by ourselves. But every choice we make sends out a ripple that can be felt by those around us. It maybe felt as a hiccup, a bump or an earthquake. It might not be noticed today but but might cause a great impact tomorrow. For good or bad. It is up to us to make the choice that is the right choice. The choice that might cause pain today but bring happiness tomorrow.

Today on National Adoption Day I am grateful for women who placed a child's choice to live above their own self choice. It might have been easier for these women to listen to the world and call out "Pro Choice" then extinguish the light of a child. Extinguishing a light that has brought so much brightness and warmth into the world. A light that continues to grow each day and change the world that has been gifted to them by this selfless act of love.

These children of mine have come to me through tough choices. Choices many of us are not willing to make. Choices that we will never understand and will not be able to comprehend the pain that follows those who have made them. I will not pretend I know the pain...I cannot. There are some dark valley's that I know I could not walk through.

I am grateful that you chose life over death. I do not have much to offer you except that I would want you to know that your children are loved, they are valued. I hope to raise them in such a way that they will come to know the power of choice and the freedom that comes through the acts of charity. Know that they are experiencing life with all their ups and downs. Know that I will always be there for them, they have all of my love. They will always have my love in the brightest of days and the darkest of nights. Please do not have sorrow. Your choice has given so much light to so many people. I thank you for not choosing the worlds selfish call to live life only for yourself. I thank you for your ability to see the value of life and the real meaning of choice. I thank you not only today but I thank your for eternity. God bless you! God bless you!



Thanks for sharing my adoption journeys,
Jared
Thinking about adoption?
Like us on Facebook and see how we are planning on opening your adoption opportunities with a revolutionary tool that allows you to be shown to multiple birth parents, by multiple adoption professional nation wide, increasing your ability to find your family:

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

How can we afford adoption?


How to pay for an adoption?? That was the real hang up for my husband and I. There was no question if we wanted to adopt, would we love the child, or if we were mentally and emotionally ready. Just the dreaded money! It is scary to find a way to come up with money for adoption. It is overwhelming and it will put a lot of burden on you and your spouse. No matter how you look at it is hard and will be a topic of discussion and arguments. But like everything else with adoption you have to make up your mind that it is worth it and must be willing to push through it. It is hard. Is it worth it? Absolutely, so now what?

I’m happy to share what we did, and what others I know have done, and what else is out there.

The first thing you need to take in consideration is that adoption costs vary and they can vary pretty wide. There are lots of things that can affect the cost. Is the adoption international or domestic? Does the mother have insurance or will you be covering the medical cost? Will there be housing and living expenses offered for the mother?  Then there are the lawyer Fees, home study fees, and possible travel expenses. Believe it or not I even think the size of the agency comes into play. So go in with your eyes open, know what possibilities may lie in front of you. You do have some control when it comes to adoption costs. You may just have to get creative.

With our first adoption we were making some home improvements as well so we took out a home equity loan. This worked out well for us. Our adoption expenses were pretty low as far as adoption goes. Our agency was smaller, our son’s mother’s medical expenses were already covered (we did have to cover baby’s expenses), and we housed her. We also had the tax credit which at the time was spread out over a number of years. Our health insurance offered an adoption benefit as well which we gladly took.

For our second adoption which included two children. Again, this was a different circumstance than typical adoptions…..siblings, an older child….etc. so these adoption expenses were pretty low as well plus I knew we would recoup all the costs because of the refundable tax credit that was available at that time. (They have since changed how the tax credit works.) Because of this we went to family members who were willing to loan us the money so we could add to our family.

This is what worked for us but there are tons and I mean tons of avenues to explore.

FUNDRAISING:  I know families who have done lots of fundraising in lots of different ways. Car washes, garage sales, bake sales, craft sales, money jugs (I’ve seen these a lot and honestly…I always put something in), people have even raised money through “thon” events, and donation registries. 

GRANTS: There are lots and lots of grants out there for almost anything you might imagine. In my research I found grants for kids with special needs, grants by states, grants for sibling adoptions, grants that cover home study expenses, grants based on religious requirements.

LOANS: Like I said earlier we borrowed for both of our adoptions once from a bank and once from family.  There are low interest rates out there for people trying to adopt, and lots of different places other than your typical bank.

TAX CREDIT: I’ll be honest….we’ve seen good tax credits and great tax credits. They are still helpful just not as good as they once were. You can check out http://www.irs.gov/Individuals/Adoption-Benefits-FAQs to see exactly where the tax credit stands. Some State’s offer a tax credit as well….check with your State Tax Commission to see if your state is one of those.

EMPLOYER ADOPTION BENEFITS:  Ask, it can’t hurt. A lot of time this is available and people just don’t know.

My dad always said to us kids growing up “Work will win when wishy washy wishing won’t.” I guess you could say that applies here. There are things out there that can help you….you are just going to have to put in a little work.
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ADDITIONAL READING
I have read through these. Please note these are for your information. We do not nor do we have business relations with any of these programs.

Adoption Friendly Workplace Program
Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption
Encourages employers to offer adoption benefits and helps employees advocate for these benefits in their workplace.

Adoption Tax Credit
Adoption Learning Partners
Offers an online course to help adoptive families determine their eligibility for the adoption tax credit, understand how the tax credit works, create a system for tracking and documenting expenses, and prepare for filing taxes.

Adoption Taxpayer Identification Number
Internal Revenue Service
Answers common questions about the adoption taxpayer identification number, the temporary number assigned by the Internal Revenue Service to a child pending finalization of his or her adoption.

Affording Adoption Foundation
Offers financial assistance to families in the process of adopting and provides information on post-adoption support.

Federal Adoption Tax Credit for Special Needs Adoptions
North American Council on Adoptable Children
Provides Federal tax credit information for parents adopting a child with special needs.

Gift of Adoption Fund
Provides grants to adoptive parents.

God's Grace Adoption Ministry
Helps place orphaned children with families and helps families overcome the financial burden of adopting.

Hebrew Free Loan Association
Provides interest-free loans to Jewish adults who wish to adopt children internationally or domestically.

Help Us Adopt
Awards grants to qualified prospective adoptive parents.

National Adoption Foundation
Offers financial assistance, services, and support for families before, during, and after adoptions are finalized.

Adoption Assistance by State
Association of Administrators of the Interstate Compact on Adoption and Medical Assistance (AAICAMA) & Child Welfare Information Gateway Answers questions on States' adoption assistance policies, medical assistance, and post adoption services.

Adoption Subsidy Resource Center
North American Council on Adoptable Children
Provides profiles on State adoption subsidy programs and fact sheets on adoption assistance programs.


Thanks for sharing my adoption journeys,

Jared
Thinking about adoption?
Like us on facebook and see how we are planning on opening your adoption opportunities with a revolutionary tool that allows you to be shown to multiple birth parents, by multiple adoption professional nation wide, increasing your ability to find your family:

Paper plane fly off


We chose tonight to have a paper plane design and fly off. It was a simple spur of the moment activity. All you need is paper, crayons and a willingness to have fun. All the things we have plenty of.

We brought in the paper and went to work. From oldest to youngest it was fun. The best thing I enjoy as a parent is to sit back and watch it all happen. Older ones were helping smaller ones. Laughing, giggling, some smack talk that had to be kept under control. Mom was not to happy that I made her stop.

We cleared the kitchen and the Family Room for our flight area and gave each family member three throws. I was actually impressed. From those that went the farthest, to cool loopty loops, to the ones that seemed to go farther backwards than they did forwards. (That by the way was mine.) All had fun! We awarded on design and length of flight. For participating each child got 2 homemade cookies (Thanks Mom) and the winner of design got an extra cookie (everyone a winner) The longest flight got 2 additional cookies. So the winner achieving a flight of 24 feet received 5 cookies. And the winner is...drum roll please......My oldest son!!!!!

It was a lot of fun and paper airplanes are still being thrown today. We encourage you please take time for moments. The opportunity to make them will leave all to quickly.

Looking for great ways to fold a plane?Paper Plane Instructions

If you have done this activity please let us know how it went or what you did to improve it by commenting below.

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HAPPY FLYING!

Friday, November 8, 2013

We Can Stay or We Can Fight!

Life seems to have a way of leading you down the path you are suppose to go, not necessarily the path you want to go.

I center myself by walking around graveyards. If I am driving and I happen to pass a cemetery I will pull in, park my car and walk. I take time to stop by as many grave markers as I can. I read each marker and then make sure to read the surrounding markers. I have seen young couples that have left behind precious little ones, I have seen little ones that have left their parents, I have seen parents and spouses finally unite with those that lay beside them after several decades of being apart. I have seen markers of mothers that had laid several of their children to rest to somehow continue through their life only to be found sharing the same ground with their children. Most of these markers are old and have no flowers surrounding them, because those that might have remembered those events are now found a short distance partaking in the same sleep. 

I sit and imagine the pain of the somber day that must have rested on the shoulders of all those present. The weight of wondering will the day pass, can I make it through and the repeating question of why? Why? WHY?!? I am sure that this is not the path that any of those living or those that are  resting was eager to take.

I think of the poem of Dylan Thomas that says

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light...
Do not go gentle into that good night." 

 I am sure that can be said about every path we find ourselves on that we did not want to travel. But there are times in life in order to travel from A to C we must go through B. We may not want shoulder a particular load. We do not want to shoulder the burden. We find ourselves calling out for relief from friends, strangers or who ever is near. Sometimes we sit under our crushing load silent not wanting any one to notice but hoping someone will.  Hoping someone will lighten our cares and easy our troubled mind.  Better yet, it will remove itself before it completely destroys us.

When going though paths that I did not think I would have to travel I think of this video. I am sure you have seen it but it is always worth watching again.



We all journey this life with high hopes and big dreams. There our moments that we win the race, there are other moments where we are glad the race is over and then there are those moments that we fall and do not want to get back up. There are those moments that we think if we just stay down it will stop the hurt. But that is not true! Pain will come and pain will go! However, if we give into the pain it will be our master it will bind us down, it will chain us to failure. It will control and direct our lives because we are not willing to believe in our possibilities it will remove our faith and replace it with fear! And Fear is demobilizing.


Life is not always sunshine and rainbows. We must keep moving forward. At times it is only inches but inches are what miles are made of. We have to believe something different can happen if only we continue to move forward. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We must make the choice we must decide. We move forward not to be the best in the world but to become the best that we can be. We must fight to stand in the light when all we see is darkness. We must fight our way back in the light. We must Fight our way out of HELL! Take the hits and keep moving forward.


It is your actions that calls out to the world 
I will show you how powerful I am

What are we going to do?  
We are going to move. Yes, in pain if we have to! But we will move.

If you are down today do something to get up.
                                                       If you can not get to your feet
                                then to your knees
if not to your knees then  
                   prop yourself up.


If you are up and on your feet today
                                  look around for those struggling
to get up or those that are waiting for the count down to call them out and
          go to them and be their shoulder to lean on.

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You can do this! We can do this!
 Your Journey will never end so make the most of it. 
Because the Joy is Truly in the Journey!



Thanks for sharing my adoption journeys,

Jared
Thinking about adoption?
Like us on facebook.com/connectadopt and see how we are planning on opening your adoption opportunities with a revolutionary tool that will change adoption.