Get your skin in the game - A fathers tips on raising children

Our family and extended family is made up of all the colors of mankind. I do not believe there is a shade that is missing. When we come together as family there is nothing but love and friendship. We promote love but we do not encourage color blindness.

So when my two came up to me and told me they wanted to be "white" I hurt for them. I did not know what to say. Of course I went on to tell them that they were beautiful and they where the perfect color because they were who they where suppose to be. But that did not sit well with me...I can tell them all those things and they can hear it and turn away pushing down their feelings and go run and play. But how can I help them Love themselves and all those great things that make them, them! How do I help them be confident in everything about them. That holds true for all my children.

I love the book " I like myself" by Karen Beaumont. I read it to all my children as often as I can and hope somehow they can feel like this little one.

Tricia and I were talking the other day about the education of race and the ability to know who you are and be confident being just that. In the adoption world that at times hard to help discover. For those that are adopted you are surrounded by those that call out family but they look different, their color is different, their eyes do not look like yours, there habits are different, they do not have allergies like you do and the family albums of grand relatives hurt because you know that these, though good people, are not blood. A loneliness settles in and the ability to discover yourself seems impossible.

As a parent I long for my children to discover themselves. Heck I long to discover who I really am...So how can I help all my children in their journey. My oldest son might think I am on him all the time because he doesn't measure up, that he is not good enough for me. While my youngest might have the same concerns but it is compiled that he is not good enough because he is black or because he is adopted. The thought of both of those pains my heart.

How is  it that I can help my children along their path of self discovery? How can I help my children when some of their answers are not available to them or me because of adoption?

I have thought on this for some time and I have come up with a few things I can do:

Listen: This means really listen. Remove distraction turn off the TV, put down your book, turn away from your computer, clear your mind and focus on what they are saying. Let them know that for that moment they are the center of your attention.  If you are in the middle of something and cannot pull away tell the child that you would love to hear what they say and ask if you can find them in a few minutes to listen. If you do that make sure you find them and make sure it is right after what is occupying you. My daughter came up to me and was sad. I asked what was wrong and she said she missed "Name of her Mom Here". Instead of pushing it aside I listen. I asked what she missed and asked her about some memories. She sat on my lap for a half an hour just talking. When it was done with a smile she jumped down told me she loved me and went on her way. It was nice just to listen.

Do not try to fix: AHHHH this is a hard one for fathers...Do not fix it. Just listen. Nod your head. Be empathetic. Ask questions after like: How do you feel? What would you do? What are your thoughts?

Do not be color blind: When raising children of a different race. Don't make their race an issue by not making it an issue. Their race is fantastic, their race is who they are. If you do not notice it or say we are color blind you are saying you don't notice a portion of them. Help them discover their race. Help them discover their differences help them discover who they are and assure them that who their are is a part of you family. No matter the differences.

Embrace the differences: Everything about anyone is unique embrace the differences. Embrace the fact that each child is different. That you are different. Do hide from it, don't try to cover it. My children know they are adopted. They know the name of their mothers. They know that I am a different color then they are. Share those have fun with those. Make them aware. If you don't a kid on the playground will and it will be a painful lesson. Kids will say why are you dark and why is your parents light. Why is your hair black, why why why. Like a hail of bullets. Don't let them be attached on the playground by unknowing children. Prepare them while they are young and let them be confident with who they are and that they are loved. You need to make sure you are ok to. People ask questions...Let them ask. Don't make it a big deal. Cause it is not a big deal. It is as big as you make it.

Talk: This is not while you are listening. This is at a different time. This is a time that you initiate. You come up to them and ask them questions. This is vital to any relationship. This is something I lack with my older children. But the times I do I realize they have a lot to share and they love the fact the you are interested in them and what they are doing. Do it one on one and do it as a family group. allow everyone to talk and get to know each other. Take time to facilitate this kind of conversations.

Love 'em: Ahhh yes love is easy to show when times are good, bills are being paid, life is aligned. The love I talk about here is in the hard times. When the vase is broken, when the grades come in when the car just got scratched. Love that appears when the house is a disaster when it was just cleaned. How do you do it????? Breathe. Always breathe. Remember this moment for you will pass. But if you blow up your child will always remember it. They are like elephants. Take the time to love and show your love. Let them climb in your lap. When you think they are to old...hug them anyway. Sit next to them on the couch, or lay in bed with them to read a book. Stop what you are doing and just tell them in random moments that you love them and are glad that they are a part of the family.

Do not correct feelings: This is another hard one for me. I hear my children and then I tell them that they should not feel that way. That they need to b sensitive to the other person or that the other person did not mean to hurt them. When the fact of the matter whether the other person meant it or not their feelings were still hurt. Hear they feelings, let them experience it. Don't stop them. If they are sad, mad, happy whatever let them experience that feeling. Help them experience it and them help them understand it.

Do not get angry: Ok I just said let them experience their feelings now I am saying don't get angry. What????!!!??? It is important for you to experience your feelings as well but keep in mind that anger is a product of an emotion. It is the release of emotion and not the emotion itself. If you feel yourself getting angry stop get away. Go to a quite place put yourself in time out and figure out what emotion is making you angry. Are you tiered, hungry, feeling taken advantage of, disrespected. What is it? Then go through it experience the emotion of disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, frustration, whatever it is get control of it and then come out and deal with the situation at hand. Most of the time you will find the thing that you where going to lose control over was not that big of a deal. 

Let them cry: Sometimes we all need a good cry. Let it happen for yourself or for your child. We should be free to break down every now and again and just cry. You and they will feel better. But don't force it a good cry happens on its own. It is like a sneeze when it comes let it go. Don't hold it in. It always feels better when its out.

Hold them: This is important for you and your children. STOP stop with everything....Just hold them, The great thing is...When you hold them they hold you back.

Don't Change them: They are who they are. You need to discover that with them. Find their strengths and their weaknesses. Help them see it to but don't try to change them. They are who they are and they are only meant to be their perfect self and nobody else. They don't want to be you and you don't want them to be. I am not saying don't teach them correct principles. I am saying help them discover the good person they are and help them be the best them they can be. Make sure you are being only you as well. Don't try to change yourself in to something else. Improve yourself yes...Change yourself...no.


Thanks for sharing my adoption journeys,
Jared
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